Somewhere between "Big" and "Home"

I don't really know where that is yet; but, more than likely, I will have to find that medium. (Whoever said mediums were "happy"???)

Doctor's report and prognosis:

I still have no idea what is happening with my hip (there was reference to two joints and possible eventual stress fractures), but I start physical therapy Tuesday for that issue--whatever it is.

Regarding my shins, the doctor explained a radiologist "may very well read stress fractures," but she didn't order an MRI because she doesn't "need an MRI to tell [her] what to do"--and that's to insist that I rest. And rest means do nothing. If I weren't training for a marathon, she would have told me to rest indefinitely, and that may be the eventual mandate anyway. Right now, it could be "the difference of one run." Because I am crazy (that's my word; she was nicer), she told me "technically," I could count from Friday, the day of the failed 8 (or .5), and not from yesterday--if I "wanted to justify that way" and rest for fewer days.   So...this weekend I can start with the recumbent bike. If that doesn't hurt, I can progress to the elliptical. If that doesn't hurt, I can do "light jogging." And NO pain allowed. Translation: Sayonara, Marathon. I just don't see how I could start jogging and progress to 26.2 by the end of October. In addition to the long runs, there are multiple "short" runs (e.g. 5-10 miles) weekly.

I just realized I left off with 16. I had only TWO long runs left before the marathon: an 18 and a 20. Damn.


I do get it. I did way too much, way too fast. As the doctor explained it to me, there are lifelong runners who train for 6 months-1 year to run a marathon. I have never been a runner and woke up one day and decided to run a marathon. I committed to an 18 week training program, and I refused to forego bootcamp and gym days to boot. As I said to her yesterday, "This is my fault. I own it."

I have had my tantrums and tears and meltdowns, and today I got choked up when a song that I listen to repeatedly on my runs came on the car radio. (It reminded me of being a teenager, and feeling all nostalgic and sappy, listening to Dave Matthews or Sarah McLachlan.) But now I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. Again, it's my fault, and self-pity is unattractive. So, the potential pluses:

1.  If I am being honest, as I said to one of my favorite friends and true champions of athleticism, I don't like running like this. The kind of running I have been doing for quite some time is the bad kind of everything: pain, fatigue, challenge, chore, etc. I am actually looking forward to healing, to being pain-free, and to loving exercise again.

2.  There is the half at the end of this month. It is probably out of my reach at this point. But there is always a possibility. Even if I lose some conditioning by then, if I miraculously feel pain-free, I really believe I have the mental fortitude and drive to pull it off. (Of course mental fortitude wouldn't carry me through 13 miles if I hadn't already completed months of long distance training.) And there is still October if miracles really do happen, and there is always the spring season, too.

3.  I am pretty confident now that I am one tough cookie. I am proud that I set out to achieve this goal of gargantuan proportions, and I fought tooth and nail to make it happen. I can look myself in the mirror and say that I never once slacked or cheated, that I never once failed to do my very best. That's all anyone can really do. And, in the end, I made it pretty far. 16 miles for a single run and an average of 20-30 miles of running per week are nothing to sneeze at.

4.  My bootcamp class just ended. I wasn't planning to register for the next session because my body could just no longer take that kind of hit while running that kind of distance. But if I am no longer running that kind of distance, maybe--maybe--I can resume bootcamp in three weeks when the next session starts. I love bootcamp, more than I have ever loved any fitness-related activity, including running.

5.  Now that I am a mom, I often think about how my daughter will one day judge my actions; in fact, the thought of her as a teenager thinking it was cool that her mom ran a marathon a year after she was born is what sustained me on many painful runs. Now, I hope that she will respect my effort more than she will judge my ultimate performance; that she will see this experience as a lesson about sometimes needing to appreciate life's journeys more than the destinations; and that she will admire my genuine desire to be a healthy, strong, fit woman and role model to her. At a recent bootcamp class when we were doing Spidermans, my instructor jokingly said to the class, comprised of all women, "Remember when you were a little girl and you used to dream of Spidermans..." A bunch of women joked, "Barbie didn't do this!" or "This was not what I dreamed about Spiderman." And my first thought was, "I hope my daughter dreams of doing exactly this one day."

So, in the end, maybe a medium can be happy. I may need a GPS to find it, but I am willing to try.